Emily's Lemonade Stand.

One more semester has come to a close. First semester "senior" year. I say it like this because though I am a senior, I have one last year left. This only makes me a "super senior", or so people say. Calculus has sought to keep me in college for the rest of my life. However, at the close of this challenging semester, I have passed another calculus class and will be advancing on to my last math class next semester. This semester has taught me so many things. I will admit, I almost quit school several times to become a ninja.
I have learned that even when things seem utterly hopeless, God is faithful to provide for me. I think somewhere along the way I lost all focus on the peace and bond the Lord and I shared over the weather. Before college, I might have told you that weather was God and I's "thing". It was how He communicated to me, "I am here." Somewhere in all the calculus, I forgot. I started working for my benefit and praise. I needed to be the best so that everyone would look at me and know that Emily Yates is a super meteorologist. The work seemed mountainous and goals seemed unattainable. Fortunately, God is faithful even when I am not and I ended this semester with all of the grades I needed.

      This semester I started leading a D-Group (bible study group for the unfamiliar. I have never lead a bible study before in my life. I was shocked when God placed three very spiritually strong women into my group. My initial thoughts were, "God, me? Are you sure I am the one for this job?" God has been so faithful in ways I couldn't have even imagined. He has lead these girls through me and it has exceeded my expectations. When I have been weak, he has been strong (2 Cor. 12:10). There have been so many times I have been reading our lesson so lost and confused and suddenly had perfect peace and lessons flow out of my heart that I didn't write. The girls I have fit perfectly with me. We worry about the same things and struggle the same struggles in such a perfect fit that can only be the work of someone who knows how many hairs are upon each of our heads (Luke 12:7). We have been reading Captivating this semester. I will never forget standing in Lifeway in utter panic trying to decide what we should study. I was overwhelmed by the realization that I was taking on the task of discipling three other girls when I am a mess myself. The Lord put this book into my hands and it has been a strange journey. At first, I thought, "Okay God, this is what they need to hear." The more and more I read the Lord began to heal my own heart. One of the biggest lessons I have learned so far was in the chapter on wounds. The idea in this chapter is that every time we are hurt in life we are sent a message that stays with us forever. I took some time to really look deep within myself and discover my own personal wounds and the messages I had been sent. This was really painful and overwhelming at first but it gave me the peace to let go of some of the people who have hurt me and accept that I am not longer tied to them but to a message. A false message. Some how all the "You're not good enough, you can't trust anyone,  and no one is who they say they are"'s all began to really take shape in my mind where it had bled into my life and made me how I am today. I have really found myself in a better place since then. I cannot wait to see what next semester will hold for my girls and I.


I am getting married in six months. What an emotional roller coaster.  I can remember talking to someone who was about to get married expecting them to say, "I am so excited." or "It has been so wonderful and the best thing ever." or something cliche like that. When they sounded a bit overwhelmed, I was perplexed. I now understand. Somedays, you feel exactly that way "excited" and like "this is the best thing ever". Other days, you feel overwhelmed by the large commitment and responsibility you are taking on.  I really wanted to prepare myself emotionally. It has happened in different ways then I envisioned. I foresaw myself reading book upon book and feeling "confident" and "prepared". Instead, I have found little tips and kernels of knowledge along the way from various people, shows, books, and events. Something I have really learned that I didn't expect is the idea that my future husband is not perfect.  I guess we get all wrapped up in the idea of "souls mates" and "my perfect person" and we forget that we choose to marry an individual that is fundamentally flawed. This means you are going to be hurt and disappointed. Two emotions we do no expect to feel. This sounds like it is leading to something awful for a moment. My thinking on this lately has been more about the importance this puts on a Godly relationship. When my relationship with Alex is lacking God, I look to him for all my needs instead (i.e. comfort, satisfaction, happiness, relief, advice, ect). The problem is, he is not God. He is not perfect and he can not always provide. That is okay. God ultimately works through him when he is weak. It is a balance that has to be maintained. Love is a complicated thing. "Feelings" only go so far. Love has to be a commitment. It is a choice to wake up every morning and love an imperfect person. Forsaking all others. This also means we have to be over flowing with grace for them. I will be the first to say that I do not find this to be easy, at all. However, I , Emily Yates usually need a whole lot of grace myself.

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of love languages. This being the ways we express and show our love. I have been thinking about this because in a lot of ways, Alex's unconventional love languages are something I have come to really cherish about him. For instance the other day, he bought my gas. It wasn't the action of buying my gas so much as the method by which he went about it. We were driving down the road and he said, "I meant to get your gas while we were on Nolesville Rd. I guess now I will just drive back over there." I didn't really think very much about it and said, "Oh, it's fine I will get it later." He then said, "No, I wanted to pump it for you." I was confused and said, "I mean, thats okay, I can pump my gas." He then said, "No, I wanted to buy it for you." (I usually don't take such things well. I get defensive and feel the need to insert my financial independence.) Me being me, I said, "It's okay, I can buy my own gas." and then he said, "No, I WANT to do that do for you." It was then I shook my head and realized it was bigger than the gas. It was about showing my importance to him and his want to provide for me. He is constantly going above an beyond for me in those small but meaningful ways. I am so thankful for that.

I have been considering lately the thorns in my sides. These are struggles of sorts that God has not yet finished working on in my life (2 Cor. 12:1-10). Paul experiences this in the Bible in a very similar way. A constant feeling like a constant unquenched thirst. We never understand why God doesn't remove the thorns in our side and cry out for relief in our nightly prayer. However, we are on God's time and not our own. Right now, I have the thorn of a person in my side. Someone God has placed on my heart and mind for a long time. This person deeply hurt me in my past and I have never really be able to let it go. I have learned an immeasurable number of lessons from this thorn. For instance, this thorn was a great part of my wounds and messages revelations about detaching the messages from the person. Realizing what haunting messages this person left me with made me realize where some of my biggest fears and reservations about people come from today. Realizing where those came from helped me grow from it and learn to let it go. Sometimes though, I still dream about this person. Even when I haven't thought of them in months just one dream comes to my mind. A dream where we reconcile our differences and become friends again. Then, just when I breathe a sigh of relief, I wake up. It's like the feeling you get when you dream about getting completely ready for school and then wake up still in your bed. You feel like you already went through the process and trouble only to go back to square one. I never understand this dream. I am always initially angry. So many times I have cried out to God asking why why why. I saw this person face to face a while back. This is not unusual. I had gotten very good at "acting cool." This past time was different. I was forced to actually talk to them with no way out. I had not spoken a single word to this person in four long years. The conversation was extremely cool and at surface. Then, that person took one more step with a comment to my friend that was meant for me to hear asking who I was. Someone I have known and was deeply close to for several years. The comment was meant to cut to my heart and I will admit that it did. It reopened my wounds so long sealed over.  I don't know why that happened. I am still looking for the reason. I cannot foresee a reconciliation between us in the future. I don't know why this person crosses my mind or my dreams. I have begged God to remove my thorn and he has not for the time being. I know there is some great something to come of it though I cannot see it now. So, I will continue to be patient and wait.